Cindy Anderson

But before we answer that question I have one I'd like to ask. What the hell is a chicken catcher? I know what you're going to say: a chicken catcher catches chickens. But there's got to be more to it than that. I'm thinking first of all chicken catcher must be quick, speed doesn't  count, and agile. Remember you average chicken has a small brain and it doesn't even know where it's going so anticipation is a good quality to have in a chicken catcher. And a sharp eye to watch Mr. Rooster who is not to happy with an intruder in his harem.

Some of you may not know that chicken catches is an ancient art. Even Jesus was a chicken catcher at one time. But he gave it up like most chicken catcher do. It's a grueling job with a lot of bruises and cuts not to mention the stress on a chicken. Did you ever try to herd a bunch of chickens. Chicken don't herd they scatter.

Chicken catcher catch over eight billion chicken a year but the toll on the body is tremendous and most catchers have short career.

But alas the human chicken catcher may be headed for extinction. 

For years, engineers have labored to find an answer to the question of how best to catch chickens. And after a period of intense research and development, it seems that the industry has finally come up with a better mouse trap.

They called it the PH2000. This state-of-the-art mechanical chicken harvester can capture 150 birds per minute, besting the work of eight skilled human chicken catchers. The PH2000 is a nine-ton contraption that looks like an airport baggage carousel and an army tank,. It employs a mechanical ramp, conveyor belt, chute and set of cages to capture chickens painlessly, without the panic that comes from being grabbed by a big bad chicken catcher.

Poultry farmers love it, and even animal-rights groups dig it since the machine is so kind to the birds. The only problem is this puppy cost a cool $200,000.

It was a good career change for Kevin.

Good luck to you Kevin,

Brando Pines

There is a big Baptist church in my hometown that reaches so close to heaven as to touch the hand of God. They too have the county sheriff department performing crowd control. The Presbyterians in my home town use their own security force. Guess God's mad at them. Or maybe they read the Constitution.

Back to the Church of Christ. As I said before the road in front of their place has other churchs so why are they the only one to get this treatment? Is God pissed at them too.

This annoys me.

What happen to the division of church and state. And why do I have to wait.

Another interesting thing. For the last several years a different minister of faith says a pray before every council meeting in my hometown. I know that violates the Constitution. They made school children stop saying the Lord's Pray. Somebody must have forgot to tell my city council. I know they are law-biding citizens. Well some of them are.

The Colonel

Well hello, folks. My name's Rooster Cummings and I'm real glad to see all ya'll. I ain't never had me a press conference before so I been watching our President real close trying to pick up some pointers. He ought to be a good teacher. He looks good at it.

First thing, I'd like to say is me and the misses are right proud to be aboard such a grand flag ship. The Colonel has done right well for himself and I'm proud to be back under his command. When I got the call from Brando, me and Booger wuz on the patio next thing we know the corporate jet had scooped us and here we are.

I got to know Brando Pines back when we got ourselves in a bit of misfortune down in Juarez, Mexico. The only two white folks in the whole place so we just kind of drifted together. There's safety in numbers you know. Somehow we managed to escape, got ourselves back over the border with the Federales on our tail only to find out there was a war going on across the Big Pond and Brando was gone. I had to go fetch him cause I needed a singer. But that's a story for another time.

So let me say again how happy me and Booger are to be here and hope we can do our best to entertain ya'll. We gonna bring to ya attention some of the dumb ass thing we do to each other and ourselves. Most of the time it will be our own opinions maybe sometimes other folks ideas. And no telling who may drop in, want to sit down and toss some arguments around and see where they fall. We know a ton of folks.  So everybody’s invited bring you gripes and groans and get it off your chest feelings you been holding on to and go get ready cause here we come.

(Applause)

I guess I'm done. Ya'll got some questions? Yessir, what's your question?

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: Rooster where'd you get your name?

I didn't think ya would ask me that question, ha, ha."

(A few chuckles)

I've always been a curious man and I can rely on it to get me trouble from time to time. I've managed to stay out of the way of all harm but none the less I can’t control it. All started as a young lad. First time it showed up there wuz this big white house down at the bad end of town that seem to draw a lot of attention from the many of the town folk especially the male population. I decided to see what it was about. Didn't take me long to figure out. The first time I walked in there it was like a hero's welcome. There was so much oohing ahhing going I started to get the heck outta there. I think maybe their lovely smell hypnotized me..."

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: How old were you, Rooster?

"If I remember right I wuz thirteen. Around the time I got my first pubic hair. I remember all the girls at Miss Essie's bragged on it. It wuz very cute."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: You were in a house of ill repute.

"Son, don't call it that again. Them sweet ladies make available an important service to the community just like the church. They were god fearing and every one of them could read. It wuz them girls gave me my name. Those kind sweet ladies gave me a home. They adopted me. There wasn't an extra bed so what was I to do I had to sleep with one the girls who wadn't with no trick...I meant client. One time another I slept with all twelve. It was just me and them ladies all by ourselves. After a while they started calling me Little Rooster. Until I got this size and dropped the little. As you see I ain't little no more."

(Laughter)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: Mister Rooster, you never use your last name. Do you have one?

"I jus told you I wuz an orphan. It's the only name I know. Maybe I can borrow yours? Rooster Tinylegs, how that sound?"

(More laughs and giggles)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: "You're quite funny, Mister Rooster."

"That's why they pay me the big bucks."

Prysler B. Brokey, Extinct Magazine: "Will you be writing at home or from the station?"

"Well, I got to take care of my critters so we decided to put in a computer where I can communicate with the folks at the station. And they promised me I could bring my critter up here to the station. I'm gonna hold them to it. It ought to be fun for my animals they aint never had a vacation."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: “Mister...”

“Mister Tinylegs, if you ask me one more question I shall ask you to dance.”

(Uproarious laughter)

Meshall Obercom, The Black Sister: “Where’s your ol lady?”

“She wanted to get her hair fixed first and do some shopping. We gonna set up for her to have her own press conference later on. She’s raring to take all your questions. It’s been a long time since she’s been to the big city. You know how it is, Meshall.

Gloria Betterbilt, WASP Magazine: Is it true she was once a drug addict and now is Buddhist?

“That’s a question best answered by herself.”

“That’s all the questions they gonna let me answer. I got to go get ready. The Colonel and Mrs. Colonel are taking me and Booger out to this fancy buffet. Mamma says I can have some dessert. Thank ya’ll for coming.”

(Applause)

Brando Pines

But not the seven black city councilmen. Their reason: the city is not doing enough to hire black policemen. Hell are they blind? All they got to do is look in a patrol car, go visit a precinct or read the newspaper. The Commercial  Appeal reported between 2006 and 2008, black applicants accounted for 57 to 65 percent of new officers hired, mirroring the demographic makeup of my hometown this according to U.S. Census Bureau statistics.

Also during the same period 2,644 black men and women applied to be police officers 332 were hired. Over the same period, 1,024 white men and women applied and 222 were hired.

One reason for denying this proposal was one councilmen had received information from unidentified individuals who said they were unfairly turned away. Councilman Harbert, they weren't turned away. They just didn't show up. According to police records most applicants are rejected because they simply don't show up.

In 2006, 25 percent of applicants were disqualified as "no shows." The number was 23 percent in 2007 and 25 percent through June 1 of this year.

The next biggest reason for disqualification is failure of physical or written tests. which also mirrors the population of the city. Most of us are fat and stupid and don't show up to work

The third major reason is the psychological exam. Between 2006 and June 1 of this year, 12 to 20 percent of the applicants were rejected because of the psychological test. I've often said there are some scary people running loose in my city now I got statistics to back me up.

I wonder if our esteemed council people even bother to read such things or know a statistic when they see it. My opinion is they just like to stir things up. I really believe there is something going on below the surface. The folks want something from the present administration. The police chief has asked madam council women Harbert for a list of names of the unidentified people so he can review their application and provide help. The chief is dying to hire people. 

As of today Harbert has provided no list.

Why did these councilmen really vote against this proposal? Why do they give flimsy excuses for their vote? Another councilman, Harold Collins, said he wants policemen who are loyal to the city and living within its limits is such proof. Maybe to this particular councilman, but I could be just as loyal and live somewhere else. If the councilman was laying in a pool of his own blood a victim of a armed robbery would he ask the cop his mailing address? In fact in the proposal a recruit would have six months to move to the city and then the loyalty could start. Mr Collins failed to see this part of the proposal, I guess.

If you ask me these guys are crime lords, members of a crime syndicate and more cops mean less graft in their pockets because in this town money talks. Give these folks a satchel full of Franklins and watch the vote change.

That's the way I see it,

Brando Pines

"Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power "

-Yoshimi Ishikawa

There are some of us out there who fear they that our new President can't wait to get his hands on the second amendment.

Relax.

First thing the National Rife Association is the biggest lobbyist group in the world and they ain't gonna let anything happen to the second amendment. I myself am a member and believe me with all the literature I get almost daily they have to have a huge war chest from all the paper from them that comes in the mail. Please, the NRA's membership is large enough to called itself a nation. And we're armed.

Even if Obama trys to pry your weapon from your hand don't worry we got the Supreme Court on our side. Until last year there has not been a challenge to the second admendment put before the Supreme Court since like something around 1938.

Okay, Obama may take away an assault weapon or two and  a stray fifteen round clip but you got to compromise somewhere. Bill Clinton knew this. And Bush probably had a revolver in the oval office

My point is unless you're in the military or live in a really bad neighborhood why would you need to carry so much firepower. Most shootouts between civilians only last seconds and in such close quarters only a few rounds are fired.

Besides our new President has got a lot more on his plate with the economy going to the crapper, runaway health care cost and a war he didn't want to be worried about an armed population. Right now we are on his side with the exceptions of a few Republicans and the KKK.

 I have a friend who has a weapon cache that would make Wayne La Pierre jealous. My cardiologist has to warn the police department whenever he goes out of town so they can send the swat team if the alarm sounds. Even his wife comes armed. In my state you can carry a weapon into a restaurant or bar without impunity. As long as you don't drink. You can even carry a weapon into a city park if the city says it's alright.

This makes me believe a lot of folks are walking around with guns since only two states deny its citizens the right to carry in one form or another.  Since Obama has been elected guns  sales have gone  through the roof.Even Grandma Pines is packing.

America will not give up its guns.

Brando Pines

So if they want to own big damn rocks, okay. I can't imagine why a rich guy would want one, unless it was the diamond variety, but it must be the thing to do. Around this place they display them proudly in the front yard...up by the curb where everybody can see it. 

I'm not pulling your leg it's just some big ass lonesome rock out there in yard. Some considerate rich folks have two or three just to keep the others company, but you'd  think they'd plant a flower or something. Everyday I walk pass these sad lonely rocks some out in the sun, luckier ones under a shade tree and wish I could do something. They didn't ask to be here. They shouldn't be here.

The reason I say anything is we ain't got no rocks that size around here. So I got suspicious. Around here we got pebbles and there's cobblestones down by the river. But look around, my friend, the Mississippi Delta is flat and made of dirt. Rocks don't grow on flat. They don't grow on dirt.  If you want a boulder of a rock you gotta import.

So it makes me wonder...did these fatcats kidnap these rocks? Bring 'em back as souvenirs from trips out west? Did they think the west had a surplus of rock and wouldn't ever run out? Or did they hire a rock poacher have them smuggled in.

If you ask me I think the rocks need to be returned to their natural habitat. If this is allowed to go on soon rock will go the way of the dodo. No longer will we have rock.

We can't let them get away with this. Bring my rock home.

That's the way I see it,

Brando Pines