Meet Rooster

Well hello, folks. My name's Rooster Cummings and I'm real glad to see all ya'll. I ain't never had me a press conference before so I been watching our President real close trying to pick up some pointers. He ought to be a good teacher. He looks good at it.

First thing, I'd like to say is me and the misses are right proud to be aboard such a grand flag ship. The Colonel has done right well for himself and I'm proud to be back under his command. When I got the call from Brando, me and Booger wuz on the patio next thing we know the corporate jet had scooped us and here we are.

I got to know Brando Pines back when we got ourselves in a bit of misfortune down in Juarez, Mexico. The only two white folks in the whole place so we just kind of drifted together. There's safety in numbers you know. Somehow we managed to escape, got ourselves back over the border with the Federales on our tail only to find out there was a war going on across the Big Pond and Brando was gone. I had to go fetch him cause I needed a singer. But that's a story for another time.

So let me say again how happy me and Booger are to be here and hope we can do our best to entertain ya'll. We gonna bring to ya attention some of the dumb ass thing we do to each other and ourselves. Most of the time it will be our own opinions maybe sometimes other folks ideas. And no telling who may drop in, want to sit down and toss some arguments around and see where they fall. We know a ton of folks.  So everybody’s invited bring you gripes and groans and get it off your chest feelings you been holding on to and go get ready cause here we come.

(Applause)

I guess I'm done. Ya'll got some questions? Yessir, what's your question?

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: Rooster where'd you get your name?

I didn't think ya would ask me that question, ha, ha."

(A few chuckles)

I've always been a curious man and I can rely on it to get me trouble from time to time. I've managed to stay out of the way of all harm but none the less I can’t control it. All started as a young lad. First time it showed up there wuz this big white house down at the bad end of town that seem to draw a lot of attention from the many of the town folk especially the male population. I decided to see what it was about. Didn't take me long to figure out. The first time I walked in there it was like a hero's welcome. There was so much oohing ahhing going I started to get the heck outta there. I think maybe their lovely smell hypnotized me..."

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: How old were you, Rooster?

"If I remember right I wuz thirteen. Around the time I got my first pubic hair. I remember all the girls at Miss Essie's bragged on it. It wuz very cute."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: You were in a house of ill repute.

"Son, don't call it that again. Them sweet ladies make available an important service to the community just like the church. They were god fearing and every one of them could read. It wuz them girls gave me my name. Those kind sweet ladies gave me a home. They adopted me. There wasn't an extra bed so what was I to do I had to sleep with one the girls who wadn't with no trick...I meant client. One time another I slept with all twelve. It was just me and them ladies all by ourselves. After a while they started calling me Little Rooster. Until I got this size and dropped the little. As you see I ain't little no more."

(Laughter)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: Mister Rooster, you never use your last name. Do you have one?

"I jus told you I wuz an orphan. It's the only name I know. Maybe I can borrow yours? Rooster Tinylegs, how that sound?"

(More laughs and giggles)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: "You're quite funny, Mister Rooster."

"That's why they pay me the big bucks."

Prysler B. Brokey, Extinct Magazine: "Will you be writing at home or from the station?"

"Well, I got to take care of my critters so we decided to put in a computer where I can communicate with the folks at the station. And they promised me I could bring my critter up here to the station. I'm gonna hold them to it. It ought to be fun for my animals they aint never had a vacation."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: “Mister...”

“Mister Tinylegs, if you ask me one more question I shall ask you to dance.”

(Uproarious laughter)

Meshall Obercom, The Black Sister: “Where’s your ol lady?”

“She wanted to get her hair fixed first and do some shopping. We gonna set up for her to have her own press conference later on. She’s raring to take all your questions. It’s been a long time since she’s been to the big city. You know how it is, Meshall.

Gloria Betterbilt, WASP Magazine: Is it true she was once a drug addict and now is Buddhist?

“That’s a question best answered by herself.”

“That’s all the questions they gonna let me answer. I got to go get ready. The Colonel and Mrs. Colonel are taking me and Booger out to this fancy buffet. Mamma says I can have some dessert. Thank ya’ll for coming.”

(Applause)