Today's Thought

I have a theory about death.  I think I know what it's like after you die.  Do you remember what it was like before you were born?  Well death is sorta like that.

Cindy Anderson

America's Got Talent

Last night's winner of America's Got Talent was an unemployed chicken catcher. Now Kevin Skinner is a headliner in Las Vegas with a $10000.00 pay check in his old lady's hand. Kevin beat out a very talented opera singer who battled cancer and won. Did America have a dilemma wondering if an employed chicken chaser from Kentucky or cancer survivor should realize their dream?

But before we answer that question I have one I'd like to ask. What the hell is a chicken catcher? I know what you're going to say: a chicken catcher catches chickens. But there's got to be more to it than that. I'm thinking first of all chicken catcher must be quick, speed doesn't  count, and agile. Remember you average chicken has a small brain and it doesn't even know where it's going so anticipation is a good quality to have in a chicken catcher. And a sharp eye to watch Mr. Rooster who is not to happy with an intruder in his harem.

Some of you may not know that chicken catches is an ancient art. Even Jesus was a chicken catcher at one time. But he gave it up like most chicken catcher do. It's a grueling job with a lot of bruises and cuts not to mention the stress on a chicken. Did you ever try to herd a bunch of chickens. Chicken don't herd they scatter.

Chicken catcher catch over eight billion chicken a year but the toll on the body is tremendous and most catchers have short career.

But alas the human chicken catcher may be headed for extinction. 

For years, engineers have labored to find an answer to the question of how best to catch chickens. And after a period of intense research and development, it seems that the industry has finally come up with a better mouse trap.

They called it the PH2000. This state-of-the-art mechanical chicken harvester can capture 150 birds per minute, besting the work of eight skilled human chicken catchers. The PH2000 is a nine-ton contraption that looks like an airport baggage carousel and an army tank,. It employs a mechanical ramp, conveyor belt, chute and set of cages to capture chickens painlessly, without the panic that comes from being grabbed by a big bad chicken catcher.

Poultry farmers love it, and even animal-rights groups dig it since the machine is so kind to the birds. The only problem is this puppy cost a cool $200,000.

It was a good career change for Kevin.

Good luck to you Kevin,

Brando Pines

Church and State

A couple of Sundays ago I was driving on a major street close to my home town. The street is lined with churches of all faiths and the traffic was fairly congested. As I approached the Church of Christ I could see the county sheriffs performing crowd control, as I would learn later thats the excuse they use to stop traffic so the member of the church can get to the buffet table before the line gets too long.

There is a big Baptist church in my hometown that reaches so close to heaven as to touch the hand of God. They too have the county sheriff department performing crowd control. The Presbyterians in my home town use their own security force. Guess God's mad at them. Or maybe they read the Constitution.

Back to the Church of Christ. As I said before the road in front of their place has other churchs so why are they the only one to get this treatment? Is God pissed at them too.

This annoys me.

What happen to the division of church and state. And why do I have to wait.

Another interesting thing. For the last several years a different minister of faith says a pray before every council meeting in my hometown. I know that violates the Constitution. They made school children stop saying the Lord's Pray. Somebody must have forgot to tell my city council. I know they are law-biding citizens. Well some of them are.

The Colonel

Meet Rooster

Well hello, folks. My name's Rooster Cummings and I'm real glad to see all ya'll. I ain't never had me a press conference before so I been watching our President real close trying to pick up some pointers. He ought to be a good teacher. He looks good at it.

First thing, I'd like to say is me and the misses are right proud to be aboard such a grand flag ship. The Colonel has done right well for himself and I'm proud to be back under his command. When I got the call from Brando, me and Booger wuz on the patio next thing we know the corporate jet had scooped us and here we are.

I got to know Brando Pines back when we got ourselves in a bit of misfortune down in Juarez, Mexico. The only two white folks in the whole place so we just kind of drifted together. There's safety in numbers you know. Somehow we managed to escape, got ourselves back over the border with the Federales on our tail only to find out there was a war going on across the Big Pond and Brando was gone. I had to go fetch him cause I needed a singer. But that's a story for another time.

So let me say again how happy me and Booger are to be here and hope we can do our best to entertain ya'll. We gonna bring to ya attention some of the dumb ass thing we do to each other and ourselves. Most of the time it will be our own opinions maybe sometimes other folks ideas. And no telling who may drop in, want to sit down and toss some arguments around and see where they fall. We know a ton of folks.  So everybody’s invited bring you gripes and groans and get it off your chest feelings you been holding on to and go get ready cause here we come.

(Applause)

I guess I'm done. Ya'll got some questions? Yessir, what's your question?

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: Rooster where'd you get your name?

I didn't think ya would ask me that question, ha, ha."

(A few chuckles)

I've always been a curious man and I can rely on it to get me trouble from time to time. I've managed to stay out of the way of all harm but none the less I can’t control it. All started as a young lad. First time it showed up there wuz this big white house down at the bad end of town that seem to draw a lot of attention from the many of the town folk especially the male population. I decided to see what it was about. Didn't take me long to figure out. The first time I walked in there it was like a hero's welcome. There was so much oohing ahhing going I started to get the heck outta there. I think maybe their lovely smell hypnotized me..."

Sam Toads, Rolling Bongs Magazine: How old were you, Rooster?

"If I remember right I wuz thirteen. Around the time I got my first pubic hair. I remember all the girls at Miss Essie's bragged on it. It wuz very cute."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: You were in a house of ill repute.

"Son, don't call it that again. Them sweet ladies make available an important service to the community just like the church. They were god fearing and every one of them could read. It wuz them girls gave me my name. Those kind sweet ladies gave me a home. They adopted me. There wasn't an extra bed so what was I to do I had to sleep with one the girls who wadn't with no trick...I meant client. One time another I slept with all twelve. It was just me and them ladies all by ourselves. After a while they started calling me Little Rooster. Until I got this size and dropped the little. As you see I ain't little no more."

(Laughter)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: Mister Rooster, you never use your last name. Do you have one?

"I jus told you I wuz an orphan. It's the only name I know. Maybe I can borrow yours? Rooster Tinylegs, how that sound?"

(More laughs and giggles)

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: "You're quite funny, Mister Rooster."

"That's why they pay me the big bucks."

Prysler B. Brokey, Extinct Magazine: "Will you be writing at home or from the station?"

"Well, I got to take care of my critters so we decided to put in a computer where I can communicate with the folks at the station. And they promised me I could bring my critter up here to the station. I'm gonna hold them to it. It ought to be fun for my animals they aint never had a vacation."

Raul Tinylegs, Hollywood Mud: “Mister...”

“Mister Tinylegs, if you ask me one more question I shall ask you to dance.”

(Uproarious laughter)

Meshall Obercom, The Black Sister: “Where’s your ol lady?”

“She wanted to get her hair fixed first and do some shopping. We gonna set up for her to have her own press conference later on. She’s raring to take all your questions. It’s been a long time since she’s been to the big city. You know how it is, Meshall.

Gloria Betterbilt, WASP Magazine: Is it true she was once a drug addict and now is Buddhist?

“That’s a question best answered by herself.”

“That’s all the questions they gonna let me answer. I got to go get ready. The Colonel and Mrs. Colonel are taking me and Booger out to this fancy buffet. Mamma says I can have some dessert. Thank ya’ll for coming.”

(Applause)

Welcome Booger

Today I am happy to announce two new additions to the staff of D'Way I See It. Rooster and Booger will be adding their own two cents worth from time to time and you can expect for Booger to voice her share of opinions (and believe me she has some). And expect Rooster to chime in if he gets a chance. They'll be taking over for me and will be giving you their own slant on today's up and downs, stupid people and their own stupid mistakes. So all my readers please welcome these two with your comments and keep your advice to yourself.

Brando Pines